Grocery Store Lady

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Sometimes I wonder at what point of my married life I will become the super domesticated grocery store shopping lady (SDGSSL for short)? Do you ever watch older women in the grocery store?

The other day I was at grocery store picking up every item my recipe for dinner that night called for; because who actually plans their dinners out for the week and pre-shops for said dinners? Anyways, while I started in the produce aisle (because that is where the Starbucks lady gives out free samples), I noticed a lady smelling pineapples. At first I was really grossed out by the rudeness of her sticking her nose on several fruits and setting them back down if they didn't satisfy her smell pallet. But then it hit me, as I was throwing anything in my cart that looked good because I was hungry, this was one of those SDGSSL!! I bet SDGSSL didn't break the number one rule of shopping, and come to the grocery store hungry like I did. After cursing her for assuming she didn't break the rule, I decided to follow the SDGSSL around to see if I could learn a thing or two. Like picking a golden pineapple isn't enough, you have to smell it to make sure it is just perfect.


I lingered behind, trying to act cool, as SDGSSL casually made her way to her next mission, the grapes. The only grape smell I am familiar with comes in the form of wine, so I was going to be shit up a creek if that was her technique on these babies. To my surprise she didn't sniff them, she just carefully examined a couple bags, and then I watched as she stuck her hand in the bag of grapes that past her eye exam, and plucked one of that babies of the vine and popped it in her mouth!  As I stood there thinking "Holy shit lady, this isn't a buffet, that's stealing", SDGSSL tossed the bag of grapes into her cart and moved onto the next department of the grocery store, meats.

I just knew SDGSSL had something up her sleeve for this department and couldn't wait to find out what it was. While I nonchalantly lurked behind, SDGSSL was breathing down the butchers neck. As I stalked her, she was stalking him, snatching up the first picks in all of the "manager special" markdowns. I was thrilled to learn this trick because buying meat can be expensive. I understand that the butcher is not always out there marking down proteins, so I will have to learn his schedule I suppose, I'm sure SDGSSL has it written down in her little daily planner. Because I was afraid SDGSSL was on to me following her around, I decided to lay low for a while, and meet back up with her in the flower department by the check out line.
I stood from afar watching SDGSSL admire a pretty house plant, just when I thought she was going to toss it in the cart like the bag a grapes, SDGSSL threw me for a loop. She plucked a leaf from the plant and stuck it in her pocket. Duh, why wouldn't SDGSSL have a green thumb too. She was going to go home and make a starter plant from the leaf she shoved in her pocket! After that, SDGSSL got in line to check out and my curiosity got the best of me, so I got in line directly behind her. There was no shock factor when SDGSSL pulled out coupons, but I was amazed that she had "rain checks" ( I later learned, if the store is out of a sale item, they are obligated to let you pay the sale price when the items are back in stock). As SDGSSL left the store with her half priced grocery items, I watched as some Justin Beiber looking girl rang me up for my full priced items. And since I am clearly not a  SDGSSL, I forgot half the items on my list, resulting in PB&J's for dinner.



P.S. The lady in this story, the SDGSSL, may or may not have been my mother....

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